Girls who ACTUALLY like Sports….Puh-lease.

•September 13, 2011 • 1 Comment

 

As most of you know, I have ZERO interest in anything to do with sports.  Even though I am in a relationship with someone who lives and breathes sports, you think that by pure osmosis I would have a slight interest….but alas, no dice.  The fact that I have noticed so many girls claim to like sports, perplexes me to no end.  I mean, I understand the girl who played sports in highschool or college….they are actual athletes…they understand the sport and are usually too unattractive to have anything else going for them.    They can speak intelligently on the said sport and have experience with it.  I clearly can’t relate to them, as in highschool, I tied my P.E. shirt up in a knot and rolled down the waist of my shorts, as to accentuate my taut midriff (please note, this was before I started shoving tacos in my face two at a time) and pretty much had “cramps” 365 days of the year.  What I don’t get are the girls who are UBER excited that football/basketball season has started and spend their weekends watching games with “their boys.”  Everyone knows a girl like this…you know, the ones who cheer loudly when a player throws some ball through some hoop or jumps on someone while they are running.  The girls that wax knowledgable about how this or that player and the number of “sacks” and/or “free-throws” they have had throughout their career.  I don’t believe for one second that they genuinely, sincerely, truly love whatever game they are watching, they only pretend to for the following reasons:

  1. They want all of their guy “friends” to think they are the perfect girl. Like, “Wow, that girl is so low-maintenance, she is down to watch sports on a Sunday and just hang out and eat chips out of a bag and cold cheese dip.  I want to put a ring on her finger stat.”  Just an FYI – if dudes wanted a girl who liked all the same things they did (ie. sports, not using utensils, etc), they would be with other dudes.
  2. They keep up on all sports facts/games/information because they hold out hope that one day they will seduce a professional athlete with their “knowledge” of the game and subsequently get pregnant, thus ensuring them to be set for life.

I mean, I am all about watching Dwayne Wade and his muscles run down the court (although, I must admit, I become extremely disoriented when the teams switch sides after half-time), but I by no means can sit through an entire game.  My role during football/basketball season is to serve the snacks to the boys that plant themselves here for hours on end and then retreat back to my room and continue watching the Lifetime movie, “A Stranger Among Us.”  In my opinion, I think that should be every female’s role when it comes to professional sports…and the girls who watch ESPN…don’t even get me started…don’t even pretend that you didn’t change the channel back to Lifetime’s “A Perfect Affair,” as soon as your boyfriend/husband left the room.

P.S.  Before my “sports fan” friends send me angry text messages, please note, I don’t give a shit.

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What I’m Loving Right Now…

•September 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

  • “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” – Does anyone else just think it’s “Teen Mom” with money? 
  • Missoni for Target – I can’t wait to swaddle myself in the signature zig-zag print.  When I saw the commercial and subsequently screamed, Jason had the audacity to remark, “What is that ugly stuff?”  I replied (amidst tears), “May the fashion gods strike down on you for uttering such blasphemy.”  I really don’t know what a fashion god is…but I imagine it’s a dark figure shrouded in Balmain that hovers around the fashionably unfortunate.  For those of you who don’t know what Balmain is…may the regular god(s) strike down on you.
  • Katie and I laying out on her (and Justin’s) rooftop pool overlooking all of Hollywood, whilst complaining about our lives and stuffing spinach/artichoke dip in our faces – Then pausing, lookingout at all of Hollywood, then down to our flat stomachs and non-saggy boobs and realizing we don’t have much to complain about.
  • Royal Blue Skinny J Brand’s – The fact that I look way better in them than Kim K and then my uncle’s UNSOLICITED remark that I am “much better looking than a Kardashian.”
  • The realization that my older male relatives do NOT grasp the concept that my sisters and I are RELATED TO THEM.  Actually, I’m not really “loving this right now”, as much as “creeped out about this right now…”
  • Sitting in LA traffic for an eternity every evening – BUT coming home to my better half in the kitchen making dinner AND letting me watch “The Rachel Zoe Project” while I don’t even attempt to help.
  • My FABULOUS niece Emma  – When asked, “Do you love your Aunty Farah?”  She responds with, “I Love….Her Outfits.”  Little does she realize that is WAY better than any other kind of love.

You Know You Are Getting Older When…

•September 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

  • “Real World” cities start to repeat themselves – Wasn’t it just yesterday that Nichole and I were living in San Diego and stalked the cast?  How they are doing a “new season” in San Diego?  On that note, at the point where you surpass the age to be on any MTV reality show…you are getting old.
  • You have no idea who half the presenters/performers on the MTV Video Music Awards are.
  • Your friend Katie yells at the “damn teenagers” sitting on the stairs in the middle of the movie theater.  Even worse, they looked scared and actually moved.
  • You buy a $650 pair of  AMAZING  suede Chloe boots and every time you wear them, you can’t help but think you should have put that money into a “long-term growth mutual fund.”
  • The fact that you even know what a “long-term growth mutual fund” even is.
  • The check out person at Trader Joe’s ID’s you for the wine, but doesn’t even look at it….they just did it because their manager was standing right there.

 

 

I Will Love You No Matter What…Even If You Get Fat…But Don’t…

•August 31, 2011 • Leave a Comment

In the few months since I have been engaged, a plethora of married people have given me their unsolicited advice.  For the most part, it is usually along the lines of, “marriage is so hard, it’s like a second job.”  While I am well aware that finances (Did you really just spend $190 on red skinny jeans?”  “Hellllooo??  Did you not see Kim K wearing them two Sundays ago?!?”), traffic (this is a real problem for couples in LA) and child rearing (even though our kids are going to be BEYOND hot…it still won’t make them less of a pain in the ass) create a constant struggle in a marriage, I also think that most of these couples DO NOT subscribe to what I like to call, “The Foam Finger” concept.   Now for those of you who have not heard me wax poetic about this concept, let me explain it to you.  You know those tacky and gigantic foam fingers sports fans hold up at games to indicate they are the absolute #1 fan?…well, that’s my metaphor for supporting your partner NO MATTER WHAT!  Basically,  being your better half’s #1 Fan forever.  For instance, your partner comes home and declares, “I killed someone.”  Your immediate response should be, “Where do we hide the body?”  NOT…”I won’t wait for you” (and then immediately email that guy from work who buys you kettle chips from the vending machine). 

The core of the “Foam Finger” concept is that if there is mutual support in your relationship, you can get through anything.  Most people say they have the eternal “Foam Finger,” but the minute any shit goes down, their Prius is peeling out of the driveway at lightening speed.  I’m not saying that I think my marriage is going to be easy, but I do know that my theoretical “foam finger” is waving proudly and vice versa.  It’s really saying, “I will love you NO MATTER WHAT…even if you get fat…but don’t.

 

The Newest Alternative to Night Clubs…Best Buy?

•November 29, 2010 • Leave a Comment

One particularly quiet Monday night, I got drunk at Island’s Restaurant (I know, I know…too classy for words) and meandered over to the Best Buy next door.  Has anyone ever been to a Best Buy while under the influence?  It is pretty much a club.  It literally has every aspect of a nightclub and/or lounge:

1)  DJ and Turntables in the corner (ie. The Asian guy testing out the “DJ Hero” video game)

2)  Couches and Plasma TVs (ie.  The Home Theater section, where men plant themselves pretending that they are going to buy a TV, but really just want to escape the hell that is their wife and kids).

3)  Dudes in collared shirts wandering around asking, “How I’m doing” (ie. the people who work there who are forced to wear those disgusting blue shirts)

All Best Buy needs is a bar and I would gladly pay a $20 cover to get in…

Next time one of you gets drunk at a family restaurant…please make it a point to go to Best Buy, so I won’t be the only weirdo who gets drunks in Strip Malls.

Watching Predominantly White People Shows with a Black Dude

•November 26, 2010 • 1 Comment

While watching last Monday’s episode of “Gossip Girl,” I found myself listening to the commentary of my boyfriend (Black Dude referenced in title) more than the actual dialogue of the show.  At first listen, it was harsh and abrasive, however as the show went on, it became oddly relevant.

As the blonde – haired, blue-eyed, Serena Van der Woodsen vacillates between choosing Nate or Dan – in the background, I hear, “This white bitch is a ho.  She up in here playin’ these poor muthaf***as.”

You know what??  My thoughts exactly.

As the “poor” characters from Brooklyn strategize on video chat as to how to sabotage the rich Upper East Side characters, I hear another nugget of wisdom, “Look at these dumb white bitches all up on G-Chat trying to take these rich ho’s down…they can’t do shit…they need to realize that and stop wasting everyone’s goddamn time.”

Again,  razor-sharp observations.

When the only interracial character emerged in the new season with a svelte new look (yes, he has kept up with all the seasons), his reaction was, “Aww man, what happened to the thick one with the ass?…now she looks just  like the rest of those white skinny ho’s.”

I’m noticing a common denominator here…

How can you NOT agree with all of these insightful thoughts?  Now, not only do I get to watch Gossip Girl every Monday night…I also get to hear poignant commentary, which I guarantee I will not hear anywhere else.

Too Lazy to be Creative…

•October 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Every year, around the last week in October…people put all their energy into thinking of the perfect Halloween costume.  Endless hours are spent going to those weird Halloween shops and buying useless props, to complete their “perfect” ensemble.  Every year, I get lazier and lazier.  The dreaded question, “What are you going to be for Halloween?,” still garners the same answer, “Something slutty,”  however the level of creativity has infinitely declined (sadly, the “slutty” level hasn’t).   A few years ago, I would at least attempt to be creative. One year, I created my own ladybug costume, the next I was one of three (slutty) blind mice.  In recent years, however, I have taken to buying clothes I will definitely wear again and adding some $5 prop from the kids sections in Target.  This year, my laziness has hit a new low – during a recent trip to Forever 21 (where I spent all the money I had set aside for a legitimate costume)…I had an epiphany.  What can I create from my purchases – a baggy but low cut top, huge bracelet and chunky necklace?  That’s it!  I will be the fourth Kardashian – the chunky one (or is that Khloe?)  Don some too tight jeggings, thigh high boots (yes, I wear these to work), oversized handbag,  straighten my hair, add my huge sunglasses, perhaps, a fedora and I am set.  Add my standard, hot, African-American boyfriend and there is no mistaking it!  If that doesn’t work…then I can be any variation of a celebrity just released from rehab…maybe add some white spots under my nostril and ta-dahhhh….I am the ethnic Lindsay Lohan (minus the hot African-American boyfriend, because we all know she is a racist).  The beauty of this, is that I can stroll into work on Monday and no one will be the wiser.  My days of buying the Sexy [Insert Occupation Here] costumes are over!

Hopefully, everyone else is just as lazy as me…