Vampires?

•October 25, 2010 • 1 Comment

I think I might be the only person on the planet who hasn’t jumped on the Vampire bandwagon.  I mean, every show on TV is centered around vampires, not to mention those odd Twilight movies.   I really don’t get it…what is so interesting about pale people with bad teeth?  Can’t you just go to Kansas to see that?  Why are they so pale?  I know tanning beds are out of the question, because of the whole “I can’t handle daylight thing,” but with the invention of sunless tanning (ie. Mystic tan)….they really have no excuse.

I have never seen any of those Twilight movies, but this weekend I happened to catch about 20 minutes of the first one, and I have to say that I am not impressed.  I was confused for the entire twenty minutes…these vampires all live together in this random house,  while trying to dodge their werewolf enemies.  Seriously? Maybe I’m missing something…

I also find it odd, that even though they have been around for 5oo years…they are very technologically advanced (ie. they all have cellphones and ipods)  I’m sorry, but my grandpa is 87 and still doesn’t know what button to push to answer his cell phone…so I’m pretty sure these 500 year old vampires do not know how to send pics from their Blackberries.

I know I have probably offended everyone who is obsessed with this weird vampire craze…but i think it’s totally odd and until they have Vampires of Beverly Hills, I will not partake in this genre.

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Emails of Doom…

•October 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Never trust an email with the subject line “Hi,”  that’s all I’m saying…

In my experience, anytime I receive an email with the subject line along the lines of “Hi…”, “Hello…” or “Hey…” I know it will not include an equally positive message.  Basically, the writer is trying to dupe you into thinking they are not going to ruin your life as soon as you open the demon email.  It’s all fun and games for the unsuspecting reader, until that one fateful click and…it’s all downhill from there.  The messages are usually along the lines of:

1)  You are living in sin with your boyfriend, and are therefore, a disappointment to me

2)  You tested postive…

3)  This was a mistake and I want out of the relationship

4)  Gossip Girl has been cancelled

I just want to say that if you have bad news (and email is your delivery of choice)…you might as well put it all out there  in the subject line.  After all, we know better than to open an email with:  “You’ve gained weight and I no longer want to be seen with you in public” as the subject.

My advice to you, is if you ever receive a “Hi” in the subject line of an email…a) do not open it and pretend you never received it, or b) respond with a “suck it” and call it a day.

I Regret Looking Way Hot At All Times…

•October 19, 2010 • Leave a Comment

So… I know this is old news, but I just feel the need to pontificate on the whole Kim Kardashian, “I regret posing nude on the cover of  W magazine”  debacle.

I am still confused on why she regrets this decision and kind of seems surprised that she ended up naked on the cover.  Uhhh…at the point when you walk into a magazine shoot, take off all your clothes and stare directly into the camera while it flashes and makes clicking sounds….I am pretty sure you understand what is going on.  She is also quoted as saying, “she thought more parts of her body would be covered,” which begs the question…did you also think that when you released your SEX TAPE?  Was she also confused as to why Ray J didn’t include the shot of her in a turtleneck sweater and black trousers?  I mean, I understand that when you look like her, a brain is the last thing you need, but at least pretend to possess a microscopic ounce of logic.  To be honest, if I was her…I would totally be like, “Yes, I definitely knew I was going to be naked and look how hot I look..everyone else is fat and dumb.”  How is looking hot on a magazine cover a “regret?”  A regret is sleeping with that dude in your dorm who wore a retainer….Kim K can come complain to me after she adds that to her list.

Also, I have noticed that in one of the shots, her booty is blindingly glistening.  I am sorry, but my butt has NEVER glistened like that….even after an hour on that weird rowing machine at the gym in tight spandex pants.  My guess is that her butt falls more on the sweaty side…but I assume that’s not a pretty picture.

Basically, stop with all the fake regrets and modesty.  Just own up to the fact that you are super hot and want the world to immediately feel bad about themselves.  I do that everyday.

An Ode to Jeggings…

•October 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Recently, while perusing my closet, I have noticed that jeggings  have taken over my closet and become a permanent fixture in my daily ensembles.  If you don’t know what jeggings are, then I don’t know what to tell you…we would probably never be friends anyway.

I know these delightful jean/legging hybrids have been around for a couple of seasons, however now they are EVERYWHERE.  Every store and designer has jumped on the jegging train and I couldn’t be happier!  I feel they are a go-to piece for any occasion and serve multiple purposes.  For instance, if I had to attend an old person’s funeral and then go clubbing later (assuming it’s not an immediate family member and just some random old person my grandparents knew in 1907), I would wear a black jegging….I can smoothly transition from mortuary to nightclub and no one would be the wiser.

Anytime someone asks me what I am wearing to Event X, the answer is a resounding, “some sort of jegging & boot combo.”  As much as I love the jegging in all it’s glory, there are also a few things to be aware of when purchasing and subsquently wearing them:

1)  Waist – Some jeggings come with an actual waistband and  (real zipper), some have an elastic waistband.  If you happen to buy the latter option, you HAVE to make sure you are wearing a shirt long enough to cover the front part…otherwise you run the risk of having a case of the “mom” jeans look.  Also, you must NEVER, under any circumstances try the whole shirt tucked in look (unless you want to look like a mental ward escapee).

2)  Muffin-Top Situation – Since these are super tight-fitting, it’s okay to go a size up when it comes to jeggings.  If the thought of going a size makes you hyperventilate (since apparently, the inside tag of your pants is on display)…then opt for the pull-on version – these usually have an elastic waistband (please refer to the above for do’s and don’ts) or a style with a thicker waistband and a  faux zipper, so you don’t have to wrestle with your gut (I’m assuming that you have one, and I’m pretty sure I am right) to get them zipped up.

3)  Back Pocket – Make sure the back pockets are not too small, because then your butt will look that much bigger (and I’m not talking money-making, perky J-Lo big…I’m talking  old white lady wide butt).  If the pockets are bigger, it will do wonders for your un-toned and jiggly (again, only assumptions, but I still believe they are accurate) booty.

Even as I type this, I am nestled in my own pair of cargo pocket jeggings, giddy with the thought of how they will evolve these wonderful little things next season…unless they get banished to fashion Narnia, never to be heard from (or seen) again.

FYI – my current fave is the J Brand Jegging in “Olympia” wash (the middle pair)- I think I wear them 3-4 times a week…

No Personality Needed…

•October 1, 2010 • 2 Comments

My Loyal Readers (all 5 of you, that number includes my mom and 2-yr old niece),

It is time for me to get back into shape…and I mean REAL shape….No Personality Needed -shape.  You know, the kind of body where it doesn’t matter if you are more boring than AP Chemistry.  I’m not going to lie…I used to be in that kind of shape (back when I used to work my college class schedule around spin class), but as of late, Pad Thai and an endless supply of Sharp Cheddar Cheese slices have gotten the best of me.    The only thing keeping me from making Halle Berry feel insecure, is the actual work it takes to achieve the perfect form.  I mean, I get why celebrities always look great…their livelihood depends on it — mine definitely doesn’t.  I sit in an office all day around a bunch of unattractive (and pale) people and NOBODY would ever notice my tight quadriceps.

Seriously…having a personality is getting EXHAUSTING.  I am tired of keeping up all the “banter” and “conversation.”  Look at Kim Kardashian….she literally makes me want to fall asleep when she is talking…but since her body is close to perfection (minus the hidden cellulite and most likely, hairy arms) she is on the cover of every magazine, has her own TV show and probably gets free lattes left and right.   Seriously, where has a “personality” ever gotten anyone?  Playmates still make more than comedians.  If someone created a “No-Personality Needed” workout – I would totally jump on that…who wouldn’t?

However…..since that specific fitness plan doesn’t exist, I guess I will have to gather motivation from other places.  I need to go back to the days when I could have 30 items in the grocery store Express Lane and Hollywood Video let me rent DVDs for free.  I will not rest until my Grande, Non-fat, Sugar-Free Vanilla Iced Lattes are free of charge.

Mo’ Money, Waaay Less Problems..

•September 25, 2010 • 2 Comments

As I come to the realization that I consistently have no more  than $16 in my checking account at the end of each month, it begs the thought….do I need to make more money?  The answer is a resounding, “YES!”  Visions of Gucci bags and Louboutins danced in my head….I know, I know I should be thinking about rent and bills and “saving,” ….but the dreaded “rent and bills” will always be there, while the Gucci Spring 2011 handbags (fresh off the runway) will only be available for 3-6 months, at the most….not to mention the limited edition thigh-high spiked Louboutin boots…so really, let’s get some perspective here, okay? Moving on….

I feverishly googled, “Way to Make Side Money,”  and the results were both unexpected and quasi-unhelpful.

Suggestion #1:  Join a Focus Group, As They Pay Anywhere from $75 – $100 for your Opinions.

My Thought:  Wow, this is great – let me go on Craigslist and see when the next Focus Group “casting call” is.  Ummmm…unless I am a single mom with one arm, suffering from Glaucoma, who also happens to be an avid video-gamer, there aren’t very many options.  Call me when there is a focus group for highly attractive, 26 year old females who only eat carbs on the weekends and are obsessed with “Jersey Shore.”

Suggestion #2:  Take your Homemade Crafts to a Flea Market and Sell your Wares.

My Thought:  Uhhh…not sure if my cat -shaped mittens will resonate with anyone.

Suggestion #3:  Drive People  to the Airport (i.e. Strangers, as your friends and family think an airport ride is owed to them, just because they decided to impose on you for the weekend…uhhhh…no offense to my past and future guests)

My Thought:  How is that even a legitimate suggestion?  Picking up random people and depositing them in the front seat of your car, so you can talk about the weather in Houston or some other lame shit?!?  I’m sorry, but I can’t even wrap my mind around this…I mean I know it’s just an airport shuttle on a smaller scale…but at least they have badges and a van.  If I didn’t know me, I would NEVER get in the car with me — never trust someone with sunglasses that cover their entire face (even if they are PRADA)  and  the Britney Spears Greatest Hits CD blaring on the stereo…

Soooo, basically, my only other option is to get a second job….hmmmm….I wonder if the Gucci store is hiring…

Starstruck…

•August 14, 2010 • 3 Comments

I’m not going to lie, I am obsessed with celebrities.  To me, they are not regular people… but beautiful, tan, exfoliated  beings, with the exception of Helen Hunt.  When I saw her having lunch, she looked like an old lady with a gigantic forehead and a serious case of Ugly-Person syndrome.  Okay, back to hot celebrities…

This month, I had the pleasure to come into contact with not one but TWO famous people – Brody Jenner (if you don’t know who he is, then you do not possess a female reproductive system) and USHER (Uterus or no uterus, you know who this guy is).

Interaction #1:

While heading to meet my friend Katie for drinks, I receive a frantic text message, “Are you almost here??  They sat me next to Brody Jenner and it’s uncomfortable.”  Now, I had never been to this particular restaurant, so I wasn’t aware of how close the tables are.  Katie’s geographical description was correct, we were sitting right next to him and his standard group of douchey friends.  When I walked up, I had to squeeze in to my seat right next to his group of friends, while they made comments about particular parts  of my body.  Katie couldn’t function while sitting in a seat facing Brody, so she gave me that awkward responsibility.  We were so close, that Douchey Friend #1 actually commented on a conversation I was having with her and kind of tried to hit on me – I was annoyed that it wasn’t Brody.  Just my luck, that his lame friend hits on me while Brody looks at us with a permanent smirk.  The entire time Katie and I were there, we had to pretend that we didn’t recognize him and that we were too cool.  Since he is a reality star, it’s not okay to be starstruck, but nevertheless, I feverishly texted everyone I knew informing them about my interaction.  It’s safe to say that everyone was very JEALOUS…(at least I keep telling myself that).

Interaction #2:

On a recent work trip to NYC, I was sitting in those “Sky Club” airport lounge things (very “Up in the Air”) with a co-worker when she declared, “I think Usher just walked in.”  I immediately popped out of my chair like a groundhog and rushed over to him…I had every intention to say something to him, but instead I just walked up to him and grinned like an idiot with my mouth open.  We made eye contact and he just kind of looked at me like I was a nutjob.   I ran back to get my camera and when I came back, he had disappeared, most likely trying to avoid our impending awkward encounter.  Later, while waiting to take off, I learned he was on my flight!  I immediately started scheming on how to get up to first class…I was confident that if he got to know me, he would  fall in love with me and offer to financially support Jason and I for the rest of our lives.  Speaking of Jason, when I texted him, “OMG!  Usher just walked in.”  His response, “Sweet, go make a baby and get us paid.”  Seriously, him and I are so on the same page with everything.  Usher is every bit as sexy as he is on TV…you can tell this guy does NOT eat carbs.  In this circumstance, it was a-okay for me to be starstruck and speechless when I saw him…this isn’t some Brody bullshit, this is USHER…

Seriously, people always say that celebs are never that hot in person…but I think they are wrong.  Clearly there is some reason they are famous….Usher and Brody were even hotter in person.  It’s a bruise to the ego when they don’t hit on you, because then you just realize you are regular person pretty and not celebrity pretty.  I think this has been the most disappointing realization for me in my life so far and also the fact that if I ever saw them again, they would never remember me, while I will continue to recount both experiences to everyone I know.